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Not Judging Yourself (in life and in vision)
#1
Having only become myopic when I was 12, I've been trying to remember what was so different about myself before then. I think the difference is that I started judging myself. I used to do whatever I liked. I used to write very often-- just whatever crazy story ideas came to mind. Now I am still into writing, but I write much less as I am constantly judging my work, telling myself the idea is not original enough, or my word choice isn't pretty enough, and such.

I also judge my personality much more. If a history teacher at school doesn't like me, for a fictional example, I would attribute it to the fact that I don't take very advanced history classes, demonstrating that I don't like her subject. Or I would count the number of questions I answer in her class. Whereas when I had good vision, I knew without hesitation that human relationships are not so objectively defined.

I'm also speculating that perhaps the nonjudgmental mentality of people with good vision also applies to vision themselves. Maybe it is only people with bad vision who think to quantify their vision as the lowest line they can read on the chart, and who think their vision is entirely dependent on the number of minutes they've been palming or the number of long swings they did.

Just a thought.
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#2
Well, i judge very hard myself.

I have myopia since i was 5 years old (the time it was diagnosed) and i am keep judging me even now, but the myopia is decreased.

So, i believe that when you judging yourself, its possible to create strain or cause other psychological conditions that will lover your vision and your health. Specially if you feel guilt and have feelings like that.
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#3
I do agree. I'm very self critical, and have been since school also. Walking through my schoolmates way self conciously. i wonder if my blur was caused by a need to isolate and blur out any distant faces that could be thinking bad about me. If so, thats really pretty amazing the way the body adapts to help you cope.

SPP when you say that your old clear-seeing self knew that human relationships arent so objective, do you mean you would've easily been able to move on even though she didnt like you? where now, you dwell and worry what you did wrong?
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#4
spydermann Wrote:I do agree. I'm very self critical, and have been since school also. Walking through my schoolmates way self conciously. i wonder if my blur was caused by a need to isolate and blur out any distant faces that could be thinking bad about me. If so, thats really pretty amazing the way the body adapts to help you cope.
You know, that's very interesting. I feel that way every day in the halls at school, and I always look down and pretend no one is around. Maybe I never realized things were getting blurry when I looked up.

spydermann Wrote:SPP when you say that your old clear-seeing self knew that human relationships arent so objective, do you mean you would've easily been able to move on even though she didnt like you? where now, you dwell and worry what you did wrong?
I'm not quite sure actually-- as I said, it's a fictional example. I think perhaps I would still dwell on it but not overanalyze it to that point.
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#5
Try going one whole day with your chin up, face to face with all you're fellow school mates and see how you feel, you might get some good insights.

what you were saying about how personality traits carry over into vision is interesting too...we self-judging people put high expectations on ourselves, so we're in kind of a pickle when it comes to finding patience to make mistakes and trust our approaches to healing our eyesight. But when we do finally reach clarity of vision we'll also find that mental clarity where painful self-judgment is non existent!
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#6
Yes, the same is with me, judging myself too much, which brings me maybe to become indecisive, not sure in myself.
And with me, I remember of these self - destructing thoughts since I was little, in childcare, somewhere from 4 to 7, I started school with 7 and that's when I first started wearing glasses, which added to my self-destruction, I felt even more separated from others who did not have to wear glasses.

so, what were my thoughts: that I am ugly, fat (I was big child but not fat, my mom was fat, I am not sure why did I have that feeling so strong), that noone wants to be my friend, that all are together and I don't want to talk to me, that my clothes are ugly. but then you know how kids can be mean and teasing and somehow I had all my attention to those kids that were bad to me, I was scared of them, and would feel pain for days after they tell me something like, fat girl. --


Which, as SPP is saying :: DOESN'T HAVE TO HAVE ANYTHING WITH THE TRUTH, it is NOT OBJECTIVE, it's just how those kids did their communication, which do not forget at that age can't be taken seriously. But for me was hard to go thru that.

Or, for example when I do not like something, I really stop my vision, I black out. As I was describing in head movement under glasses. But also emotionally. The same as little kids hide behind their mums, or turn head, close eyes. Once we had radio people recording a show, and a man was going thru us kids with the microphone asking questions: How do you like your preschool, or things like that... YOu know what I did: as we were sitting on little chairs close to our little tables, I hide my head down in my hands on the table. And I know that after I did it I didn't see or hear anything. After a while I looked around to check if I am safe and the man was gone. Than I felt even worse as I thought I did something stupid....

YOu see, so never happy with what I do. And I really do not remember how was my vision (and behaviour) before glasses.

What I do know now is that this is just ego, telling you scarry stories just to have a control over you. Many of today's spiritual teachers and life coaches or other know about this and we should start learning techniques to move away from this. Become more aware of your true self and lead your life. The true feeling of human beeing is to be happy and our happines shouldn't rely on our constant judgements.

Our mind is making us very unhappy. That is the reason we are shutting down our senses. All, seeing hearing, taste, feelings. I think personally that I came close to a point where I am totaly shut and blocked. I couldn't stand that life, that's no life, that's death. So my reviving is pushing the glasses out, like the whole being is saying "No need of this!!!"

I just recently read this quote from Martha Beck:
Quote:We learn better when all five of our senses are engaged, then when we rely on just one or two of our senses

What do I do to get rid of this "self - judging"
Try to catch my bad feelings about myself (this is the hardest as I have learnt to not feel e.i. ignore bad feeling as it is a must)
Then start thinking to find what are the negative thoughts producing that feeling (this is also very hard as I can't see those thoughts, but I am getting there - very slowly)
Then it's easy - because immediatelly as you become aware of it you realize how stupid it is and it dissappears. Then you are free and real happines can come.
And then my vision miracle takes place, I can see something I couldn't.

OK, that's all. Just hope this might help someone. I just know how much I was stuck not wanting to admit I am stuck!
Good luck and if anyone has any ideas how to get to core self quicker please tell us!




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#7
FlowerPower Wrote:The true feeling of human beeing is to be happy and our happines shouldn't rely on our constant judgments.

For a long time i would worry and agonize over painful "truths" of the way I was...my mind replaying past judgments and criticisms towards me like a broken record. I was living by that saying: "The truth hurts"...so i just accepted the pain as something I needed to face... but wow, that was not good. I finally found the realization that the truth should bring comfort and clarity, not shame and confusion...

FlowerPower Wrote:Our mind is making us very unhappy. That is the reason we are shutting down our senses. All, seeing hearing, taste, feelings. I think personally that I came close to a point where I am totally shut and blocked. I couldn't stand that life, that's no life, that's death. So my reviving is pushing the glasses out, like the whole being is saying "No need of this!!!"

Yes I think we definitely live in some strange times. Disconnected from our senses, that is probably why there are so many people lost and addicted in the world. We live in a world where we don't even know our own power and capabilities, so I think we turn all that power and creative energy onto ourselves negatively, as self judgment and criticism...so hey, in a positive view, we obviously have very strong powerful thoughts...so if only we could turn them to the positive...

I also came to a place of being almost totally shut out and blocked, and pushing away the glasses was a great symbolic step away from that whole narrow-minded and self-hating lifestyle. Clarity here we come
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#8
SPP,
I am reading a book that I would highly reccommend. It is Performance Anxiety by Eric Maisel. Maisel is a artist coach and pyschologist who has written incredibly useful books for those who consider or want to consider themselves artists. Performance anxiety is a kind of workbook that has loads of insights, useful concepts, tips, artists' stories, and pertinent questions for the reader to ask herself.
I am often highly critical of myself as well and I relate to much of what has been said in the thread. Rather than spending effort trying to change my negative internal dialogue, I am increasing my awareness of the moment and noticing when I am anxious and I am perhaps avoiding an anxiety-producing situation. (Being aware of my blurry vision or simply the world around me can be anxiety producing.) If I acknowledge that anxiety and ask myself what I am afraid of, I may get to the source of my anxiety in the form of fearful ideas and thoughts. These can then be remedied by choosing positive anecdotal thoughts. Sounds overly simple and it is but it is real work.
Thoughts lead to feelings lead to action.
Courage, everyone! Smile
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