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Narcissism - How much is too much?
#1
Narcissism, as defined in Wikipedia, is "the pursuit of gratification from vanity, or egotistic admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, that derive from arrogant pride".
The question I wish to ask is how far does that pursuit go? How far does it take me? Is it all bad?

I joined this forum in 2010 and I thought of the forum as my place of discovery. I was very happy to find people like me to share my experiences with. I received a lot of replies from people around the world, people who agree with me, people who disagree with me, people who taunt me. I've had so many conversations on this forum yet I seemed to enjoy only one side of the conversation - mine.
There was no real respect for other people; no true motivation to help others. Just an imitation of normal behavior - a pretense to hide the truth.

Now, the difference in duration between this post & my last post is 2 years - why have I not posted for so long? I am rather unclear if this question is important to anyone but me, I still feel the need to answer. For a long time, I felt exhausted by this forum, mentally drained. This year I started to read all of my posts and I felt a sense of great self-admiration. When I ran out of my posts to read, I put my name in the forum search to find out every single time someone mentioned me and what did they have to say about me.

This is when I began to suspect if I have a narcissistic personality. I am unsure if this is just incorrect self-diagnosis. I do however, feel extremely indifferent towards most people, and I think of my social life as a burden. Yet I put up with a lot of BS and try to blend in the background all the while never truly belonging to anyone or anything.

I'm quite confused & I'd be grateful if anyone has any insight to share with me.
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#2
I'm never sure of how much everyone communicates in miscommunication. Sometimes it is as if everyone sees what they want to see and so I am dreaming you and you are dreaming me.

In other words, I think it could be possible that everyone is a narcissist and only some people realise it. I mean, would a true narcissist even recognise their own narcissistic tendencies, their own ego?

I don't know, but to be blatantly honest I find capitalism to be a very narcissistic model for a society. Anything that promotes profiteering tends to promote division and admiration of the ego-driven.

There are also some potential health problems to having no ego whatsoever though. Care givers tend to have a higher risk of illness.

I am not saying we should not care for others or not be altruistic... however, I notice in myself I have a tendency to suppress my feelings to protect the people I care about.

Bottling up your true self can also be unhealthy, and I think can be part of the mind/eye strain as well, but yeah, it is hard to say how much is too much.
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#3
I appreciate the reply - but I do believe a narcissist is able to recognize their own narcissism, at least I think I did. Any person that is considered sane may be able to recognize their own flaws, however denial is a much more comforting prospect. Perhaps denial is better in the short term but it will probably cause complications in the long run as it did with me.
You pointed out that "bottling your true-self is unhealthy...", and I thought, is narcissism really a disease? A psychological condition? Or is it lifestyle, engaging in obsessive thoughts about oneself?
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#4
(03-06-2014, 12:08 AM)2xtreme2fit Wrote: You pointed out that "bottling your true-self is unhealthy...", and I thought, is narcissism really a disease? A psychological condition? Or is it lifestyle, engaging in obsessive thoughts about oneself?

It can just be a word and a moment, relative to another word or moment. I think in general it is a natural reaction to a socio-environmental-political-economic situation. Most world leaders and high ranking CEOs have the traits of psychopaths. Guess what? They learnt it from their leaders and parents as well.

Honestly how do you be the best at a sport or an art without obsessive thoughts of being the greatest? You need to have a vision and to believe in your best self in order to get there. Do you think Michael Jordan has a sane, scientific, objective, and morally perfect view of the world? I think he must have some crazy thoughts to get where he got to.

If someone attacks you in the street, you need an ego to survive. I have looked to find myself on forums before, or on Google searches in case what I have written in one moment can be tracked and used against me in another.

Some might consider this paranoia, some might consider it a requirement to delete web history before a job interview etc. - others might say, who gives a fuck, it was the past, if they are stalking/judging me on one post then they have the problem and I don't want to please them.

Which is the more messed up behaviour? Because I have experienced them all, and I have also looked back and positively surprised myself at what I have written in other moods when I have gone to delete it.

I don't consider mental disorders to be abnormalities considering most people could be diagnosed with a few. I just don't think it is extra-ordinary that people are kinda fucked up in a fucked up world. Everyone has their issues. But don't take my word for it, I have mine as well.
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#5
Recently, I've been feeling very scrawny, uninterested, more distant than usual. I find myself drifting into dark thoughts - I've been having this feeling that I want to bash someone's head until their skull cracks and withers into dust. I feel convinced that it'll be very gratifying for some reason.
Having that feeling is quite terrifying, even if I never act upon that urge, I can't help but wonder what else is there? More hideous thoughts?
Or is it just me revealing too much?
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#6
(03-10-2014, 08:45 AM)2xtreme2fit Wrote: Recently, I've been feeling very scrawny, uninterested, more distant than usual. I find myself drifting into dark thoughts - I've been having this feeling that I want to bash someone's head until their skull cracks and withers into dust. I feel convinced that it'll be very gratifying for some reason.
Having that feeling is quite terrifying, even if I never act upon that urge, I can't help but wonder what else is there? More hideous thoughts?
Or is it just me revealing too much?

These things do not just come from nowhere.
If I have to guess, you must have experience of failure or disillusionment..
Or there is another word, frustration.
It may help to become aware what affected you or find a way to refill yourself.
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#7
I have experienced failure. I am frustrated, and pissed off. I know the reason to my anger but I cannot control my thoughts.
As for a way to refill myself, I have nothing positive to look forward to.

Thanks for the reply anyways.
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#8
(03-11-2014, 12:23 AM)2xtreme2fit Wrote: I have experienced failure. I am frustrated, and pissed off. I know the reason to my anger but I cannot control my thoughts.
As for a way to refill myself, I have nothing positive to look forward to.

Thanks for the reply anyways.

Write about it and burn it up, exercise, punch a punching bag instead of the person you're angry at, meditate, spend time in Nature. Keeping these negative feelings in your body is not doing you any good.
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#9
Looking for an answer. Found it, or maybe the question is wrong?
...........................
Me - "I should exercise more." Idea
Me - "Why?" Dodgy
Me - "I'd look better" Smile
Me - "But you don't care about other people?!" Huh
Me - "Yeah but I want to look better" Undecided
Me - "You won't" Angry
Me - "I will" Confused
Me - "You won't" Angry
Me - "I will" Sad
Me - "You won't" Angry
...........................

^That's the kind of conversations I'm having these days. People say I lack motivation, I think I lack a moderator in my mind.
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#10
(03-19-2014, 11:02 AM)2xtreme2fit Wrote: Looking for an answer. Found it, or maybe the question is wrong?
...........................
Me - "I should exercise more." Idea
Me - "Why?" Dodgy
Me - "I'd look better" Smile
Me - "But you don't care about other people?!" Huh
Me - "Yeah but I want to look better" Undecided
Me - "You won't" Angry
Me - "I will" Confused
Me - "You won't" Angry
Me - "I will" Sad
Me - "You won't" Angry
...........................

^That's the kind of conversations I'm having these days. People say I lack motivation, I think I lack a moderator in my mind.

Do you have problems how you look? Your haircut?
What does it have to about caring about other people?
Cannot the two matters coexist?
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#11
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

But what is thinking the same thing over and over again expecting someone else to take care of it - procrastination? self-distrust?
I've been thinking of posting a reply to the last comment here for a long time, its been 11 days! I kept thinking "No one cares", so I changed the content of the reply but "No one cares", then I thought I'll wait for someone else to reply and I still got "No one cares".
What is this toxic, filthy thought loop? Am I to rot in a self-imposed cage forever?

P.S. Bear with me if I seem over-dramatic about these things.
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#12
Pertaining to the bi-polar conversation in my head, I have two sides to my personality:
  • The Reasonable, Understanding, Polite Gentleman
  • The Hate-spewing degenerate
I am unable to have a singular consolidated opinion of my own with those two idiots arguing all the time.
If anyone can relate, or understand, let us know.
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